Goodbye. For Good.
POSTED ON Tuesday, August 4, 2015 AT 11:19 AM \ leave a comment (0)
It's been awhile since I posted something. For many years, I never believed in Change because I never really experienced earth-shattering changes in my life. Everything was fixed and even if there were changes, they were all really minute ones that wouldn't set me back for too long. At least these little changes weren't capable enough of ripping me apart and changing who I am or at least, who I thought I was.

What was it like to commit to someone ever since you were 16 and giving him your everything? At first, it was the sweetest thing ever and nothing felt so right in my life before. There were moments when we bicker over the smallest (and lamest) things, moments when I wish that time will freeze so we will never have to part, moments when we would give in to one another, moments when he would surprise me with the sweetest acts ever and moments when I know nothing could hurt me if I hide in his embrace. In exchange for all of these, I didn't have the opportunity to learn this one very important thing that I'm still learning today: truly believing that I'll be alright being on my own.

To me, loving someone with all my heart means protecting that person no matter how much he/she hurt or break me. It also means that if I know I can't give that person the happiness he deserves and security he needs, then I've to be selfish and let him go so he can find The One who is able to give him everything that I can't. Will it hurt him? Yes. For how long? Arguably till he finds someone else more suitable than me and I will be happy for him if he does. Will it hurt me? Definitely. How long then? I don't know. The guilt and pain from having to hurt someone you love just as much as the people who brought you up will haunt you everyday and eat you alive. Here's when some mo-fos are gonna snicker and say: "Oh please, really? Does it still hurt when you had Mr. Rebound to run to afterwards?" Lolll, you know what, haters gonna hate.

Duh, of course it doesn't hurt!!!! Not even the least bit. It didn't hurt when I would walk down the memory lane secretly in my head and casually say to Mr. Rebound: "Oh, we used to come here a lot in the past. Me and him." or "That's his favorite food/game/phrase/brand/animal/whatever", and only catching myself after the damage has been done. Why would it hurt admitting to myself that all along I'm just trying to find someone similar to him as a replacement and to fill that empty void in my heart after he left me? It barely hurt when I would browse my phone's gallery and look back at the photos we've taken together in the past. My heart didn't even flinch when I had to delete the photographs. One. At. A. Time. While fighting with the millions of reasons why I shouldn't hit the delete button and then only to have to go through this whole entire debate shit with myself again when "1 item will be deleted. Press Ok or Cancel". Cancel. Fuck that. Definitely, it wasn't painful to have to tear myself inside out to explain to people (who care about me genuinely) 1) what happened and 2) why do I have a bunch of mo-fos a.k.a fake friends saying horrible things about me. Behind my back, dayummmm. Oh right, nothing makes me more happy than going home and knowing that I will never be able to go into his room, watch him play dota/lol/team fortress 2, mess up his game by pressing random keys on his keyboard to annoy him so that I have his attention. It certainly doesn't hurt knowing it's the 21st of the month and having to deal with the fact that the 21st has lost its significance. Well, it's absolutely bearable living with him and his girlfriend for months, watching them interact with one another, cooking meals in the kitchen, laughing and even, to listen to their adventure while remembering that these were some of the things that you went through with him once in that very same apartment.

So, to those people whom I once thought were my friends and were supposed to be there for me, they say sarcasm is linked to intelligence. Well, I guess I'm sorry to have to ask you to find that last bit of kindness in your heart to read the above paragraph again. I'm sorry you had to take it literally all these while, I really am. I don't need to explain to any of you my "side of the story" because I don't owe you an explanation and I never do. Was it my relationship or yours? Speaking of which, you must have been feeling so self-righteous when you bitched about me behind my back. If you actually bitched about the right stuff (provided that you didn't miss out any important "information" on purpose), then fine, I'll take a step back and accept whatever criticism that comes my way. But nope, you didn't. Since you're always so self-righteous, how about you put that to good use? Join the police force, fight crimes and save the world? Stop exploiting others' misery and using it as a platform for you to become the superhero you always wished and dreamed of becoming. If I actually bothered to sit down with you for hours explaining and hoping you'll understand where I'm coming from, you mean a lot to me. Or at least, meant a lot to me. However, life will always be life. Life makes you learn lessons the hard way, be it to your liking or not. What did I learn? People whom I thought were my good friends turned out to be the ones who abandoned me just when I needed them the most. Yes, despite that I was there for them when they needed me. "Sorry, he needed us more than you do". Thank you to whomever who said this to me. When you've all chosen to leave me then, please do not ever come running to me especially not now. Please. Please do not ask me to do things such as holding classes for you, hanging out with you or whatsoever little errands you have. I appreciate the thought and thanks, but no thanks. If you need help from me, please ask yourself where was I when you were having the time of your lives. If you think I'm heartless because I want to cut all of you off, think again. It's just that all of you taught me who are the ones that matter and who don't and I'm simply "returning the favor". Despite all that negative feelings I've for the bunch of you, I'll still be thankful to you all for that lesson.

What's the point of this post, you ask? Whatever I've said in this post are the things that have been bothering me ever since more than 6 months ago. Imagine having a little bit of happiness after working so long for it but what? Some people just can't stand seeing you happy and they wouldn't hesitate to use your past to bring you down again. How sick is that. At first, I was convinced that the only way for this whole nightmare to end is to turn a deaf ear, ignore and ignore. I refused to confront the gossip mongers not because I'm afraid of them or that I'll lose in an argument but simply because confrontation isn't gonna make me happy again. I loved with all I could and with all I have but sometimes, things just don't work out the way everyone wants. He's happy now and as his friend, isn't that the most important thing to you? Can I have my turn now then? Is that too much to ask for? Was I happy for the past 6 months? Yes but only after I tried to let go of all the things and people that were making me unhappy and up till today, I'm still trying my best. As of now, I am happy but I truly believe I can be happier and that I deserve to be. I am not interested in going on an emotional roller coaster with you because I have better things to focus on now. I am sick and tired of all you people's games.  You know who you are, we don't have to point fingers now, do we? So, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Maybe one day we'll go grab a drink together and sure, I'll be gracious enough to buy you a drink.

How about an "Adios Motherfucker"? Yes, you can read it literally.